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Something Is Wrong by ~Riloffey:iconRiloffey:



Something is wrong.

The palms of her hands were slick with sweat. She couldn't place just why that was, but it was.

Something is wrong.

The house was quiet, filled with that silence that only night brought to dwelling places. The rooms were dark, lit here or there by the  moon that shone through open windows. Breezes blew curtains from the screens, ushering in fresh air and a tangy coolness that hinted of the winter to come.

Something is wrong.

A black shape detaches itself from the darkness and lumbers towards her. Her breath hitches in her throat for a brief moment before she begins to breathe again. Only the dog. It nudges against her leg, damp nose pressing to her fingers. A soft whine hangs in the air for a moment and with that sound the room goes chill.

Something is wrong.

The animal breaks away, trotting a few steps from her to look back over one furry shoulder. It waits for her to follow and then continues walking, stopping every couple paces to check on her progress.

Something is wrong.

They stand at the foot of the staircase, steps leading up, melting into the impenetrable darkness that hides the landing and the bedrooms beyond. The dog launches up the stairs, taking them three at a time. He doesn't stop to look at her until he is at the top of the flight of steps. Again that gentle whine, nudging her to action.

Something is wrong.

She places one bare foot on the smooth surface of the bottom step. Her hand found the balustrade, fingers curling around the cool grip. A quick breath as her other foot stepped up.

Something is wrong.

It takes hours to climb the stairs, each step a study in torture and fear. Her entire body was shaking as she finally conquered the steep staircase. The dog nudged against her ankle, whining low in it's throat.

Something is wrong.

It was so much colder upstairs, not the chill of early autumn but rather the deep overpowering cold of death. If she let herself she could imagine that the walls were not papered with the rose-and-cream striped fabric they'd chosen but rather made of dark rock and dripping with noxious liquid that froze to form vicious icicles.

Something is wrong.

Her hand closed around the doorknob that lead to their bedroom. Something told her that behind the thin partical board was the reason for this bone-numbing fear. The dog hadn't accompanied her. It lay whimpering on the top step, curled into itself like a black ball of fright.

Something is wrong.

A quick twist and the door was open. Moonlight spilled through the sheer curtains, casting a silver light on their immaculate bedroom. She smiled softly. Nothing was wrong.

She sat on the edge of the bed, reaching one hand out to grasp the wrist of her lover. Limp, stiff. Cold.

Suddenly aware of warm stickiness clinging to her thighs and bottom.

With a scream she jumped up and reached out for the light. With a flick of her wrist the light was on, illuminating the entire room with harsh reality.

Blood saturated the bed, soaking her lover and her own clothing.

A scream shattered the night, primal in anger and fear. Desperation.

She sat up, breathing hard. It had just been a nightmare.

The palms of her hands were slick with sweat. She couldn't place just why that was, but it was.

Something is wrong.
©2007-2009 ~Riloffey
:iconriloffey:

Author's Comments

This is for the :icontalenthaven: "nightmares" contest.

This is a very.. personal piece. Since I was a child I've had very vivid night terrors. Death, blood and other things haunt those hours of sleep. I've since become a chronic insomniac, sleeping three or four hours every few days in an attempt to escape these life-like dreams.

This is not a real dream that I've had, at least not that I remember, but it is the feeling of the dreams that I've had.

As always, critique is more than welcome.

Written 10-16-2007

Comments


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:iconbgrademovie:
Beautiful and lovely. The pacing you've used is fantastic.

--
“ Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.” (Albert Einstein)
:iconmoray-eel:
I like the technique of using a repetitive phrase - it creates a rhythm and a feeling of inevitability (which is how nightmares feel to me - part of the terror is the sense of helplessness). As a suggestion - possible think of your repetitive phrase as a heartbeat... so where you went to crank on the tension, shorten the "beats" between using it.

The only thing I found jarring was the tenses ie "something IS wrong", but the rest is written in past tense. Possibly if everything was present tense it would evoke a deeper sense of terror as the events are still unfolding (as opposed to having happened already).

On another note...
I suffered from insomnia some years back - I found a method that works for me although it might sound strange. After I get into bed and have made myself comfy, I make a mental list of all the things that I need to get done and all the things I am worried about. VERY important - don't try solving these problems and don't dwell on any specific one. Re-arrange them from most important to least important. Then re-arrange from most to least urgent. Then re-arrange them in order of "I can do this" to "I need someone else to do this". You get the point - just re-arrange in as many permutations as possible and the monotony will make you fall asleep. Try it.

--
last words are for losers
:iconriloffey:
I've used that technique before and have always found it to be a really great way to get the point across. Especially with this, like you pointed out, it highlights the inevitability of the nightmare.

Yeah... I realized that after I submitted it. And I think I originally wanted to write it in the present tense but once I got caught up in the words it didn't seem to work that way. I may go back and fix it. Not now though. Now I'm happy with it :D

Hey, any trick to try. I don't have trouble falling asleep per se. I can sleep for hours on end without a problem. It's the jarring nightmares. I'd rather not sleep than deal with them. So over the years my body and psyche has become accustomed to working on very little sleep. If I get more than usual I'm doped up.

Thanks for reading!

~E

--
"I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight it's only you and me"
:iconriloffey:
Hey thanks for reading chica!

I wasn't really thinking of the pacing. The reason I like this piece so much is because it almost wrote itself. The word choice and everything just seemed to leap from my fingers and onto the screen.

~E

--
"I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight it's only you and me"
:iconmoray-eel:
cool - keep writing, I'll keep reading :)

--
last words are for losers
:iconbgrademovie:
I love that most beautiful inspiration of writing. When the words are already there they just need to be brought through the page and to the surface.
And of course I read your work
:-D

--
“ Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.” (Albert Einstein)
:iconriloffey:
Which is, of course, why I love you so much ;P

~E

--
"I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight it's only you and me"
:iconinspiredimperfection:
lovely work.. it really does bring out that sense of getting trapped in a nightmare.. the repetitive phrase does emphasize that well, and like moray said, i think it somewhat reflects a heartbeat and that could be further manipulated into the "beat" of this piece..

i used to have the same problem, by the way, with the nightmares, and for years i tried avoiding it with lack of sleep too. but more recently ive been using meditation/self-hypnosis at night, and i also go through mental listings of things i want to think of AND things i know i may dream of (so then at least ive prepared myself for them). but the main thing that i feel has made the difference, is not "looking away/running" from the nightmare with practice you can start controlling how to "manage" the progress of the dream.. hope that makes sense :giggle: good luck to you with that.. and with the great writing! =D

--
Brain tingles ftw :bucktooth:
:iconriloffey:
Thank you so much for the comment. I'm rather proud of this piece, if I say so myself.

As for the nightmares I'm willing to try anything. I bought a dreamcatcher yesterday in hopes that it will help. This isn't something anyone wants to live with for too long.

Again thanks so much! I have another "creepy" piece like this called Insanity, though it is much older. If you're interested just take a peek in the gallery. ^_^

~E

--
"I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight it's only you and me"

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October 16, 2007
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